Sunday, 31 December 2006


This one is about a character - Cheiko, played by Rinko Kikuchi, from the movie ''Babel''...wich i saw recently and i think u shud too...cuz its awesome...anyway...Cheiko is a deaf, rebellious japanese teenager who is traumatized by the recent suicide of her mother(since she saw her doing it) and the fact that boys treat her like a monster because of her conditions. She starts exhibiting sexually provocative behavior, such as wearing a short skirt and no underpants...she walks thru the streets,goes to diso pubs and restraunts,does drugs and all but she cant hear a thing...she only sees blinding lights...thru out the movie...her loneliness peirces thru ur heart...anyhow...this is dedicated to people like Cheiko...

Wind in my hair
I'll lose myself
find me through empty sheets,
lay me on a canas.

I'll come to you
I'll burn with my wings white
let me open up.
Fly away or release me.

Where are you going?
Just who are you running from?
I'll find a reason to smile
the thinking trip is done.

this city is so empty
i don't hear a thing.
so let me feel your face
or your breath upon my skin.

let me run my fingers
down your hollow spine
i'll show you to the door
and everything would be just fine.

put myself against the glass
watch me from afar
oh mother wont you come to me
rid me of me scars

father, won't you hold your darling?
wont you whisper in my ear?
everything i wish i was
everything i want to hear.

i see a sea of people
all their faces look the same
mirror lies, but still i try
to be like them again.

lonely, in the city of blinding lights
i've become a name
call me a monster, call me a liar
i'll treat you just the same.

your eyes tear a hole
that old familiar sting
try to kill this fear of mine
but i remember everything.

travesty of life keeps unfolding
i walk these streets alone
the ghosts of yesterday dance with me
this house doesn't make a home.

i close my eyes, dream of yesterdays,
i dont care what tomorrow brings
the noise inside my head - the things i cant feel,
silence is no such thing.

Friday, 29 December 2006

A Lot Like Me

there's a place in my head
a place you can stay
there's just enough room for the two of us
you can feel safe.

iam not what i used to be
i never used to hide.
you look a lot like me
someone who lost the fight.

together we can spend out days
life's not as bad as it seems to be...
ups and downs always come and go
in ourselves, we need to believe.

i'll make you rise of,
you show me how to smile
for all you know.
it only lasts for a while.

i am not what i used to be
i never used to lie.
you look a lot like me
someone weary of the hide.

i'll hold you close
i'll treat you as my own,
i'll make you see the real
i'll never give up on you.

i'm not what i used to be
i never used to hide
you look a lot like me
someone who lost the fight...

Thursday, 28 December 2006


spinning with arms wide open
i've got jitters
see a woman in a misty sea
hope that she'll love me
nothing fits
nothing fixes
sick of your tricks
red, green and blue
cocktail mix
afternoon in the six
inches from the sun
to drown the sorrows
forgetting the past
to remember tomorrow
strings still ring in the head
melody sung
has already been forgotten
time goes by
scream with eyes shut
nobody listens
nobody gives a fuck
wish for someone to be there for me
drowned in love potion
wish to be someone else
wait for you in my cold cell
i stop trying to make it
i stop trying to fake it
nothing fits
nothing fixes
so i'll break the mirror
and take it.


Now i greet you from the other side
we buried all our burdens all our burdens here.
I greet you with a love so wild and scattered,
It will reach you anywhere.

You stood by the lake,
you stood so tall.
but when you fell - it was a long way down
to nothing at all.

you thought you knew me
you took my hand
but then you let go
baby, im your man.

...and i dont know about tomorrows
i long for those yesterdays
i waited so long for you to come,
i waited my life away.

And now i see you on the other side
The other side of hope and despair
my love is so vast and scattered,
it will reach you anywhere...

Working Class Zero

i woke up this morning
got out of bed
picked up the pieces,
ive been living in my head.

i walked down the hall
put on my routine
the schedule was the same
another day with the obscene

i got in my ride,
took it down a familiar road
passed by the same corners
where young grow old.

i reached just in time
got the same abuse.
felt like stubborn garbage bags outside
felt so very out of use.

I got back home - late again
warm my bones beside the fire
fed on the idiot box - same again
consequence oh-so-dire.

im fading with my roots
feeding all my fears
never worn your shoes
but get me outta here.

iam no one
just lost in the crowd
with the world around me,
im burning out.

the wasted time is in my head
my thoughts are scream with what they've said.
i know who you are - waving your flag unfurled,
but just spend a day in my world.

Wednesday, 27 December 2006


Round and round we go...
Who could've known it'd end so well...?
We fall on and we fall off...
Existential carousel...

Who The Fuck Is Alice...?

Alice is in her prime...even though i'm not...check her out...she's damn hot...aint she?

Tuesday, 26 December 2006


iam what i choose to be
no less than the sky
i only run for shelter
i do not wish to fly.
give me the sun,
not shelter from the rain.
if you dream with eyes open wide
i'll treat you just the same.
the hand that hurts
the heart that bleeds
our past is forlonged
but the future receeds.
you're in my head again
couldn't run if i tried
season's change too soon,
i can see from the corner of my eye.
the future's always complicated
always more than what it seems
if we wake with eyes wide shut
either way it's fun to dream.


in the stillness of the evening,
when the sun has had its day
i hear your whispers, they come-a-calling
to take me away.

you pretend you know me
you think im just the same
safe choices inside my mind.
you'll never see me...

walk with me and i may follow
cant take you down these roads again
if you dont know where i'm coming from
how do you know where i've been?

i'm a stinger without a bee
these scars in my past have hurt me so
lend my name, the one they gave me,
it's the name i'm letting go...

Friday, 22 December 2006

Thank You For The Venom

Piece of shite... you try and do something nice, and turds like you throw it back in my face... Dude, I could HARDLY CARE LESS. I mean it. Enjoy the rest of your god damn life. I AM OUT. See ya....

Cradle Snatcher...


I'll tell you everything in detalis later bue for now, if u see it like move on, so I'm moving....

...this asshole...

Wat do you do in class...dream or sleep?

Are you in class 5...?

Its ok aazar...

Sometimes its good to be numb...

I am ok
I am calm
How r you?

Thank you
Thank you
thank you.

The Cradle

im rocking in my prime
rotting in my wings
feed the beast inside
madness and overkill.

my vision turns blurry
fingers going numb
earth can take me in now
as blood starts to run...

in pursuit of trouble
all i see is pain
i crave for that hunger
come and fill me up again...

a line divides me in two
these shadows hide the truth.
what have i become?
hollow as i stare at the mouth of a gun.

she curls like smoke
dew on her lips
i cant watch those eyes
dark as an abyss

so let me walk down this line a thousand times
let me live, let me be free
your empty stare streches across the divide,
the crack in you bleeding heart, its me...

I Won't Back Down

Listening to Eddy Vedder voice fills me with hope and faith like never before...for a moment i start believing in myself...not that i hate them but he is so fucking better than posers like Jim Morrison...he never acts drunk and never wants to take over the world or earn a million dollars...

He sings with feeling...with passion...and his song-writing skills are outta this world...he has been through a lot...the song 'Alive' about his mother coming up to him and telling him that his real father aint the one he got now but that he is dead...and in one episode of vh1 storytellers he told the audience that this particular song is a curse to him...its about a curse that he is under...and people think that this song is about celebration of life and feeling what it feels to be alive...and Eddy said...''everytime people change the meaning, the curse is lifted...''

I was just listening to his version of Tom Petty's 'I Won't Back Down'...and you can barely hear the guitar...but his thick, baritone voice just pierces through every heart in the crowd and by the end of it...the crowd is hysterical and singing thats what i call good singing...

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin me down
gonna stand my ground
... and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I'll stand my ground
...and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down...

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I won't back down

hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

No I won't back down...

Thursday, 21 December 2006


Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
I'm right where I belong
Just hanging on

Even though
Watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show?

I have fallen again...i dunno where to go...these thoughts in my head u will never understand..i think i am shutting my doors on love and everything related to my fucked up life and the relationships ive ever had...ha ha ha...HA HA HA HA HA...keep laughing adnan/arjun/nanki/khsitij/sahil/who so ever the fuck is reading this...thats right...u were always right...

One day I'll have enough to gamble
I'll wait to hear your final call
Bet it all

I dont know where to go...who to was like a room full of it seems like they've all left me alone...i know i know i know they are here...but i sure as hell feel lonely and it seems like no matter how much i try...i feel i cant go back to anything..being the way i was or feeling the way i used to feel...

Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on

Even though
I pass this time alone
Somewhere so unknown
It heals the soul

But ive given everything...wasnt it enough...these sands are sliding through my hand...these damn waves are too high...they are washing everything included...but i dont feel purged...i dont feel redeemed..i feel burdened...thats right juliana is gone...she aint coming anything or anyone...another fucking weird reason for no reason what so ever...what should i do? how should i be perfect?
i cant achieve inertia...oh saikat sir...wont u help me...oh kabeer,wont u follow me blind...i will just lead u astray...let me go...just let me walk away...fade into oblivion...i dont belong to anyone or anything and nothing belongs to me....

You ask for walls
I'll build them higher
We'll lie in shadows of them all
I'd stand but they're much too tall
And I fall...


The pavement is a square

i hop all alone

i watch the rain

but the light's not gone

four walls and an empty bed,

my head screams with the words they've said.

i'm neither left nor right,

i'm just staying home tonight.

there's a road i walk that

you wont be able to find.

but i'm going in circles,

coming back to what i've left behind.

preach me,teach me - i don't know it all

take my hand or i'll take the fall

i see the mirror not knowing what i've become

i watch the rain when the light's gone.

this is my story, this is my tale

this is the one i've left behind.

i hope you see what i am

hope you know how to read between the lines...
- for and about ishita,love ya!

Of Tomorrows...

What will happen if me and my love die tomorrow...?

you're leaving home again
i'll run right back to you...
you're breathing in again
the words they sell to you.

is this the end my friend?
just anoher night.
new year's round the bend
crash into me,i'll hold you tight.

walk through this wild,wild forest
i dont know your name
you dont know my weakness-so,
i'll treat you just the same

i'm not the same-no
they say you're dead and gone
the time passes by
and your memory lingers on...

but i live on through picturesque scenes
hanging on your flashing screens
lend me a name and i'll believe
things are what they seem to be.
and you're in my head all the time
i carry you through the darkest nights and hollow days
just lie with me,together on this earth
pretend to sleep and dream awake.

Wednesday, 20 December 2006

Castles Made Of Sand

He said he was hurt
she said she was dry
he folded his hands, just like his wings
wish he'd fly...

saw them sleepwalking from a distance
back on those unknown lands
forcing a smile in a state of self-denial
as the waves devoured their castles made of sand.

life - we take it for granted
and let go of the only hand
try to justify our reasons for excuses
we ourselves dont understand...

you refuse to see the boy in me
every promise i made went to waste
i'm hurt, a stinger without a bee
and you choose to call it 'fate'.

i'm sitting where you left me
hoping the sun wont set
it shines all the more bright now
just like my regerets.

i'm hoping you'd turn, see me in a new light
make promises you can never keep
and hold on to my hand
but i see you once again, walking out of sight
as the waves devour our castles made of sand...

Alone and ayesha Wrote this a while back...take a look...

you're leaving home again,
two more steps to the porch
drop your bags and turn around...
I cannot be alone anymore

if you wanna live
u can take my hand
aint much a thing to hold
i hope u understand...

i know ur time is wasted
my face u'll see no more
one promise is given
i'll meet u on these changing shores...

we all walk the long road alone
sleepwalking down this line
dragging behind us the reproach of a million tears
as all our dreams become the sky...

all our pain becomes the basis of our lives
all our laughter begins to cease
as we hope to have a better life
we only want what we don’t need

but do we know what we really need?
Do we know what’s good for us?
Can we believe that we are able to live?
Can we give ourselves our trust?

And no, I havnt realized life,
I know not all that I wish for
What I need is slowing slipping away
I cannot live alone anymore…

Can you not listen to my plea?
And give your trembling hand to me?
I promise you, I will lead you true…
And please believe that I do love you

you may not be be perfect, I may not be great
The shattered pieces of our souls are scattered about
But maybe if we hold tight on to each others hands,
We can find them and and figure our life out…

and I know I need you, like the air I breathe
I’m so different from who I was before
I know that you will be able to save me…
I just don’t want to be alone anymore.

Saturday, 16 December 2006

The Highway Man

in faith, he made a way
now he sees the sun setting
on the horizon everyday.

he could be told to go back tomorrow
but he wants his yesterdays.

he's walking on a road
he knows by heart
he's wandering and is lost

he could pray
to make his getaway
but all he needs
is one more day

a peaceful loner on an empty highway
nameless, and has to be lend a name
he could take another mile,
but it's all the same...

Wednesday, 6 December 2006

12:46am...6th december


Iam a nine - fucking - teen...!!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Didnt get much calls right now on my budday but me happy none-the-less...i am!

anyway gotta sleep now as i got college tmrrw...



Sunday, 3 December 2006


twitching noses,
painted smile,
behind my mask
who knows what lies...?

walking the rope
dreading the line
make me laugh
and i'm feeling fine.

make up runs
net to catch me
let it burn
past is haunting.

hide and seek and push to play
so good to hear you laugh this way
animals and metals to push the veins,
torniquets and daisy chains...

the lights go out and no one speaks
i got their whispers in my mind.
they haunt and hurt like the needles,
but when i bleed, you're feeling fine...
(aren't ya ?)


iam what i am
or maybe i'm not
silence is mocking me
but you're all i've got...
and i lie broken
i can never be free
look into the mirror
the beast that's inside of me
let it sleep, away now
let it dream and die
sing no songs, whisper my names
i'll live the lie

you make me push
so far inside
you only look beautiful
when you're faithful...

make me let out this noise
i'm burning with the one that's inside

why is it so easy
to talk to you now?
let me check the rope,
dangle with my hope,
this is my duality.


revelations in my head
bit the apple too soon
fallen angels, hear me now
i never fell this far...

this place is all hollow
a heart that beats
hide and seek
worship, play and retreat...

visions of the serpent
visions of the moon
flow like the river
fly away too soon...

this reckless desire
a future admired
angels calling through the stars
i never fell this far...

leave me be in this place we call ''home''
i'll burn and toil and try
i know i dont belong in heaven
and your paradise is a lie...


floating wild, phantom child
scaring me away, pushing me away...
running desire, life to inspire
leaving me this way, pushing me away...

blood is on the walls...
i'm left to crawl...
watch me concede to your name,
push me or i will fall...

so get higher,
and take me down
another step, inching closer,
just four walls surround...

dancing mild, loveless exile
bleeding this way, pushing me away...
life in denial, future for hire,
scaring me away, pushing me this way...

eyes that stare
a mouth that lies open
the past is near
but the future's foresaken...

you'll never see me...
you'll never see me...
you'll never see me...
you'll never see...


My hands are cold
my body is the same..
i just know my scars
never knew no names...

so wake up and close your eyes
dream with me and sing along
so cold, but atleast you're mine
i never knew we could write this song...

i'm feeling rather square
giving into all of this
the ghosts of yesterday dance with phantoms of tomorrow
as i stare down my black hole of an abyss.

they ask me why i hate?
why do i throw this all behind?
i'm hesitant of all the questions asked
i'm just like you, walking the line.

i'm so cold like you, hold my hand
the past seems to be coming near.
if love is just a feeling, i'll still take my stand
won't watch you disappear...

Walking Tainted

Ayesha and i wrote this...this is by us,for us and about on...

I’ve come so far
From where I once began
Walking down this road ive been on before
And no one showed us to the land

And what land may that be, I ask?
I never wanted to walk this way once more
Everything seems so familiar, yet not the same
But, I feel what I’ve always felt before

Every sky upturned, every raindrop that fell
Every beautiful spectacle that was to be
Seemed like confusion that opened my eyes
What if this land was not meant for me?

What if the feelings I felt, the tears I cried
Were someone else’s flaws?
What would you think if this wasn’t me
Would you remember me at all?

And sometimes, I try to find myself
Inside this path of thorns
Memories and haunted visions
Are what helps me go on…

And when I feel as if I’m blind
When my mind starts to wander
I think back to all that I didn’t do
And my steps begin to falter

but i walk, still...
inside this silent riot...
the city streets beneath my feet make it worse
all this noise inside the quiet...

all the shouts and mocking from my heartless past
all the hate without a purpose
aches and crawls beneath my skin
but I will not let them surface

finally i am falling free,
reasons washing down my hands...
careless, running in the rain,
and now i understand...

there are no where's or why's...
no one gives and no one tries...
no one is willing to walk through this land
so i throw open the windows, come and take my hand...

Saturday, 2 December 2006

Wish U Were Here...

Talked to Juliana today...i could hear music in the background...she told me she was in a different city...

I was worrying faltu mein about her not coming online...and it was only cuz her net connection is down...phew!!

We said love ya to each other...oh how sweet she sounds wen she says a lullaby..but i cant sleep...this voice keeps me up at night...

Juliana,wish you heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!



Love ya!!!

Almost Together

Me wrote this and Ishita modified it for her recitation thingy in used to be called almost and now its...oh, just read on...

Almost perfect, still not done
Together forever, still not one
On the same road, you and I
Earth-bound misfits, learning to fly

Almost there, so far away
Losing the old, to a brand new day
Scared of the sun, we watch the rain
Still miss the comfort, in our pain

Almost new, we’re broken toys
This love, this life was not our choice
What is the truth? Everything is a lie
Ashen faced, yet so alive

Almost trusting, scarred with betrayal
Ever optimistic, that this ship will sail
You’ve held my hand; we’ll brave the storm
You picked me up, taught me to move on!

Almost smiling, together we cry
Finding answers to a childlike ‘why’
With each other, we learnt to laugh
Making a present, understanding a past

Almost together, we removed a veil
With unknown words, you wrote my tale
Took me along but remained a guide
Strangers perhaps, but two of a kind

Almost true, dreamt a lie
Your shoulder to rest upon with a sigh
Friends forever, they all say
But don’t know, where the wind will blow you away

Almost right, we don't know what is wrong
Yet everyday, we sing our song
This game of life, it isn’t that real
This connection I seek, won’t it too disappear?

Open Your Eyes...

I used to hate all that i didnt i dont anymore...the present leaves me much more confused than the future will...dont know who i will hold on to and who i will have to let go...dont know about the choices i will end up making...oh but i hate thinking about those things now and i just wanna take each day as it comes to me...throw me another monday,tuesday, wednesday...and the other ones too...i will treat them just the same...i will never change...i dont even want to...

I am never alone,
Im alone all the time..
Are you at one?
Or do you lie?

The epiphany sorta moment is when i look in the mirror these days...i just dont see who i wanna be anymore...which is very good, the thought of looking at me like the person i know i will end up becoming is a thought that, strangely enough, has become very comforting lately...

Juliana didnt come online today also...oh how i miss my motu...damn, wish i could hold her and just forget the world...walk in the rain hand in hand and laugh at all those who think we wont ever be together...laugh at them and pass them by without even looking twice while they hide under the shade...ha!

Had a nice chat with rwick today..i under-estimated him and maybe never gave him a chance to show how much he cares...well the answer is a lot...!!

Gonna make some changes in my college too...bit by bit..hope all the ideas discussed in the meeting today work out just fine like the butter on my bread i am eating just now.

I love juliana and i aint afraid to tell anyone and nothing cant stop me now...ayesha is so sweet and we're writing a poem together...i guess she's the only one whose on the same page as me..and i am glad its her and not anyone else...oh how dat girl writes poetry...beautiful,just beautiful...

Im opening my eyes yet again to a larger picture...i can hear the sounds and the music clearly than ever before...i see the moon and the sun like i never did...sunsets and sunrises come and go but i will always be what i am...and i hope those around me stay that way too...hope no one walks out...

I love all of you...and for once i can say that ive started to like myself too...goodnight!

Thursday, 30 November 2006

Hope feels good to know you're mine...

now drive me far away......





I dont care where just far!


I dont care where just far.....!!


I dont care........!!

She told me to have hope....little does she know...its the only thing i ma hanging by...its the only thing that keeps me going these days...

her voice blends in my head and mixes with my blood with takes over me till she is all i think the the loneliness and in gatherings with frends one one will...

But I dont she is driving me...

So far away...

I could care less.

I dont care.

Wednesday, 29 November 2006


You probably want to pass a judgement before i can even start. Well
i am not giving you that chance...not today...not now....not yet...

Lets chat...


Shouldn't i be happy?

dont you want me to be??

For once i found a woman who loves me

just back off.

Oh, does it hurt when i say that??

i dont give a shit.

u have no idea how much you have hurt me....

so i deserve this.

i so do.

she loves me back...

for once a person loves me back.

and i love her too...

so just let me be happy....

...let me dream.


........oh juliana coming to india.........???

when is she coming to india................???

will you have sex with her........................???

...........will you kiss her............???

is she still collecting money to meet you here.......what if she comes here??? what if you go there?????

I THINK ITS JUST AN INFATUATION.......................









ARE YOU HAPPY........???





I DONT WANT YOU TO GET HURT.........................................................................................
















Tuesday, 28 November 2006


Saturday. Juliana just came back home. She is sitting on her bed thinking about all sorts of things. The clock strikes 9pm. She feels dirty. No,you would be wrong if u thought she feels this way cuz she jus had sex or anything...she is feeling so cuz she just got raped by her brother-in-law,husband to her elder sister. Today is the day she will never forget. Juliana is only 11years old...her story's different, or, its going to be....

12yrs...findin out everything changes...

13yrs...realizing what she went through...

14yrs...kisses a guy

15yrs...doesnt wanna go to school anymore

16yrs...cries like a baby

17yrs...meets someone she loves

Its saturday again. The clock strikes 9am. Juliana wakes up from a beautiful dream. She looks out her window and sees her neighbour's clothes which were hung out to dry, blowing in the wind. She thinks about the time when she was 11years old, and she recalls what she went through...and for once, doesnt question why she had to go through everything - she just wishes she is the last one. A faint smile stretches across her face - today is her birthday - she is 18yrs old now. This is Juliana's story. Her story is different...or, its going to be...

Sunday, 26 November 2006

Walking, just walking...

walked the road i wish i didnt have to walk again...and i walked it yesterday...but this time around i had a frend and his secrets to accompany me...i felt him like i felt the wind on my cold yet so warm....thanks for being there, i know you always will be...i cant be what u want me to be...i just hope u stay content with what i always will be...i hope i am like this forever...hope u arent, though...anyway...chao!


i feel this one like the razor's edge
two more steps to the end
i am divided and im cutting away
walking this thin line down the bend...

follow me and you may lead,
take this road and leave me behind.
the past is reflected in our pond
and its always raining in my mind...

you wait for the waves
you sit on the shore
but then everything changes
you cry for it all...

then summer comes
and you're home again
thinking about the time
you ran through the rain

you're making time but you're losing it too
can you lie there waiting...?
i'll follow you
i'll just follow you...

Saturday, 25 November 2006

Losing it...again...

hey all...hows life? good i suppose...i am aazar...iam good at almost everything except being good at anything, sorry having my bergmen phase at 12:01 in the night..u see me trying to sound very surrealist but those who know me would know i am just pretending...i feel high without her...she calms me down but i still lose it anyway...sometimes i wanna lose it right?ok? got it? faggoty girls of my school days getting high on a cig...ha! How i dont miss them!

Bet they don't either...but like i said before...i dont give even an inch of rat's ass about that fact...Bye for now...that was aazar, who is good at somethings except the fact that he is vey good at telling u how other ppl arent good at anything except what they shud be good at..and what shud they be good at? perhaps even i dont know...Juliana just came online and left....a brush of black hair on my shoulder...i long for winter...i long for a cup of tea with my frends, i am so freaking glad i got college tmrrw...i hate everything about khalsa but i will get thru i know it so...even though i cant wait, i love my frends with all their faults and oddities...mwah mwah u honey...hope we get married...i am high again..never fine is so easy to write this way..but then again, i always did take the easy way out now, didnt i? aint i right for once, chitra ma'am...?

Friday, 24 November 2006

Sing Along...

I am going mad...she is sleeping and dreaming..not of me but of a better world..she deserves it more than anyone else here...for everybody has left the room...wish i could watch her sleeping and lay beside her...hum her favourite song...and watch her smile in her sleep...when she wakes i wont be there....or maybe i will be...she wont be here too...but i am never alone when i am thinking about her...even though i am alone all the time...

Glycerine by Bush has entered my i love that i love that guy's voice...Gavin god...wish i had a voice like frends are right..i should stop singing...i sound like a cheap detergent commercial getting stale day by day...wanna rip this throat there a transplant surgery for such a thing?...temme if u know...I feel like beth gibbons even though i am nothing like her...


everything about her is so beautiful...her cry...her screams...her voice...her words...i am addicted to my motu...want her more than ever...damn this fucking distance..damn these words and damn my thoughts...they are of no use...this window is getting too fucking crowded....i need to get out...bye....

This wasnt for you...its for me...


she cuts her hands...and then she wants no one to know, so she wears a full sleeve shirt...she hides her scars wich she gave to her own self...not anyone else...she shows the ones wich were given to her by others...she plays hide and seek really well...dats why i love her...i think she is funny in the darkest way possible...oh how i love her...and iam glad she knows dat too...

A frend of mine fantasizes about me...then he wants no1 to know...everyone thinks he is gay...then why does he need to hide it himself?...he must be, i usually think to myself...but then my mind doesnt say mind and my heart are constantly fighting...i dont want no1 to win...but i wanna reach inertia...not like the state of perfection...btu the state of eternal peace and calm...but this sounds like death...ok i shud shut up now before u blow my fucking head off...but please do...i dont wanna feel no pain when i die...i dont want them to die too...i hope they dont before i do...i hope they can live each and two scars...oh so sweet...

Without most of the things i cud do with...

I hate it when i'm told to do anything...told to sit down and study...told to be calm...told to be quiet and control my feelings and just sit in a corner and gather dust...dats what iam doing these days...i feel useless...been doing nothing except playing my guitar and talking to my razor...i am so in love with her...damn she is beautiful...cutting me away day by day...and iam loving it,so to say the least...wish i cud hols her now and just kiss her to forget the world...but unlike the other assholes out there,i gotta wait...but i'll wait my life away...i hope she is dat patient too...

Sometimes i feel that all in all ive a very satisfying life....its just that most of the doesnt mean to is for living? i dont think so...i am wasting each day away...the only time i feel doesnt get wasted is when i talk to her...oh how beautiful she poetry in motion her lips move...yes,i am in love...but this time...i cudnt be more sure of it...unlike before...damn i know u will laugh now...i know u will hold ur belly till it hurts but i dont give a shit...i have pretended not to in the past even though i did...but right now,i really dont...i really dont give even an inch of horse's ass wether u laugh on my long hair or my girl...she is perfect and so am i...wel atleast i can say that wen it comes to me loving her or vice versa...for the first time i feel iam somehwere at the right place at the right time...

and then the future scares me...but oh wat the hell,i will jus spin this one like another where it takes me...but i wont let grip is mind is weak,but my heart is right...for once...iam beginning to want all that i cant have,or maybe can and i dont know it yet...i am succeding to speak like i am fucking mad...hope these ramblings didnt mean a thing to you...ha ha wanna have vodka or smoke for the first time in my life...if only someone wud light the fucking match for i mad? kabeer is right...maybe i am just like everyone else..pretending to not pretend what im not...oh put me to sleep,on the softest bed,or the hardest,i will sleep just the same...


She flies over head
Comes down too soon
I feel her when november comes
She stays till the end of june

i stole her candles
wax on the floor
bad luck abuses and curses
she shall come back for more

i dont know where i am
i cant fly to land
as i look back on you and your grave
i can see from where i once began...

your wings broke way too soon
you said you'll gather some feathers
and you wished to fly, overhead
one day closer still, to the end...

worship,worship, worship
hide and seek and pray
like the thoughts in my head
you often stray...

i can try to say goodbye,
for i dont know what i was looking for...
life spinning free as druish's whirl,
thank you for being that kind of girl...

Thursday, 23 November 2006


there is a throbbing in my heart,
the hate is in my soul.
i wanna blow up this world to pieces
wanna change everything, break my mould...

you always want more,
more than u could swallow
rise up and join the dance,
there is no salvation in tomorrow...

i choose not to belong,
to anything or anyone.
still, i see the mirror,
i don't know what i have become...

i'm turning into a nobody,
taking this ship down.
burning my flag in front of you all,
drowning myself without a sound.

listen to me now,
follow me across the field.
you can pretend, just the same
but hate is the only thing that's real.

The Masochist

i watch the blood run down
from my twisted little hands.
i love it when the razor digs in
and it mixes with water and the sand.

i've bled myself dry,
these words are true...
why can't you see,
i'm forsaken like you?

you know you can't feel,
it's not because i'm dumb,
time won't leave me alone,
and i've become this numb...

but oh, i love my veins,
when they're throbbing with life.
i don't need 10,000 spoons
just hand me that knife...

and i love my blood,
running down my hand.
so warm yet so cold,
i know you wouldn't understand...


spiders in my head
my nightmares are all blind
want to break free
from these webs of unknown design.

you got spiders in your head
you got something thats not mine
crawling in millions, devouring numbers,
these webs are your and mine.

let me be devoured
let me taken.
no one cares, no will know
i'll always lie forsaken.

venom close to me now,
still have these questions on the rise.
she crawls like the ocean, closing in
to my sweet demise.

bleed me through, suck me dry
i won't ask the reasons why
i wish i remembered what you said,
for i got spiders in my head...


she likes the pain,
everyone does.
she lies in vain,
who gives a fuck?
they raped her and they,
left her to die.
alone in her room,
she holds her toys and cries.
every wall that surrounds,
looks the same.
now all her nightmares
know her name.
now all her feelings,
turn to dust.
she looks at the sky
wishes she could fly.
and for once,
leave this fucking world behind...
the world couldn't rid her of her pain.
it couldn't heal the scars.
brother and sister we were,
brother and sister we are...


she flows like a lullaby,
naked in my eyes.
i could pretend she knows me,
rest is just surprise.

she falters a lot
her steps are all wrong.
she thinks she wrote the words
to this fucked up song.

but its not her fault
its just her say.
they are the ones
that left her this way.

now she is crying to her doll
love will break her fall.
the mirror is in the skin,
the wound grows deepers & its digging in...

drowning in blood
there is some time to think
two more minutes with no hope to get by
fucking bitch, i hope she sinks...

Wednesday, 22 November 2006


smoke rises from her lips,and
crawls beneath her fingertips,so
why do you wanna wash it all away?
sometimes it feels so good to be dirty...

i wanna feel your skin and crawl within,
this velvet sheet you're using to cover everything.
why do you want to be this way?
don't you for once, wanna be dirty?

i don't want this to just get over,
what's the use in being so fucking sober?
hand me your hand, i'll fly away
pluck the rose, wanna be dirty...

they say she says i'm not the one,
once again, all my feelings go numb.
i'm like the razor, cutting your skin away,
you're the cream, smooth and dirty...

wake up and let me light the fire,
i'm burning this furnace of thirsty desire.
yeah, and all the flames go higher, up-up and away,
you're the only one who makes me this way...

Tuesday, 21 November 2006

are you out there?
forgot what i was looking for
blood on the sand, waves wash it away
so worthless - just an illusion.

your face keeps changing

how do i know who you are?

i don't even know who i am anymore

the mirror broke into a million pieces,

just like my shattered heart.

i say i'm right when you

know i'm wrong.

so empty just like the

empty words in this empty song.

and now you're telling me,

you don't know where it is that you belong...

this echo isn't doing me no good,

i've used my words, i've used my blood.

i've shed my feelings, shed my clothes,

miss you and i miss your touch...

but oh, these walls are real,

so is the pain - so good.

only i hear my voice in this fucking room,

and you are - just an illusion.

Monday, 20 November 2006


another day inside my world,
the clock strikes ten,
i hang my head again.

feeling worthless...
feeling numb...
i look in the mirror in vain,
and not recognize what i've become...

i play with her hair,
i play with her clothes,
shiny blue eyes, painted red smile,
couldn't have her even though i wanted more...

let me press the buttons...
let me hear your calls...
come on down and play with me,
all alone again, we'll take the fall...

i'm alone in my room,
the walls are all red,

clueless once again, lonely as my mind...
falling in this black gloom,
i'd rather be dead,
but i lie once again, tell 'em i'm fine...

Saturday, 18 November 2006

Cold Hard Bitch

she kisses mirrors,
a perfect reflection of her face.
they say she's beautiful,
a living picture in a frame.

she's been through hell,
the thorns are in her side.
but she wont tell,
she knows how to hide...

daddy loved her too much,
and mommy didnt care,
all alone in her room now,
broken dreams got her there...

blood is on the walls
blood is on the bed
escaping thoughts and reasons to be alone
another one's dead.

leave her alone
cold hard bitch
wont confide
the thorns dig deeper into the flesh,
but she knows how to hide...

play her game
end like the rest
before you know it
everything is just a test

they say she is beautiful,
i dont see the same.
i see clearly when i close my eyes,
she's the one to blame...

i wanna see you naked,
in your body and your thought,
lay down like a peace of dead wood,l
ike my god-damn wooden heart...

crawl with you into yesterdays
i see myself fading away
i wonder why i came here
now i feel like i can stay...

Sunday, 12 November 2006

The Game

i'm going to watch the sun go down,
and not think about the scars it didnt heal.
you might be the best of whats around,
but you can never be real.

you used them all, the faces that you have,
now you always look the same.
think i loved you once, but i was wrong
still i was always teh one who was blamed.

everything that we have loved is lost
everything must end vain
this is my turn so let me walk away
need to feel something else than pain

so pretty and white
thats just one of my names
my eyes are open wide for the truth
never knew this life wasnt just a game.


whats a boy to do
when things fall apart?
where does one stand
when they're back to the start?

whats one to say
when five chairs become four?
there is no safety in numbers
when loved ones walk out of the door...

and i'll do anything
just to make you hear me out
you and your fucked up rules
faithless, without a doubt

the stories are many
as far as i can tell
and you're not the only one
living inside this hell

maybe you're lost
confused for sure
i'm standing and staring at your porch
please come out through the open door.

Tuesday, 7 November 2006


Tomorrow is a pill I can't swallow...
Tomorrow is a promise i couldn't break...
Tomorrow is dead and it's over...
Just like my yesterdays...

Tomorrow is a book I couldn't read...
A chapter gone by and a chapter to come...
The travesty of life unfolding slowly and slowly...
Can't face it all, let me walk towards the sinking sun...

Tomorrow is a song...I don't know the words...
It's just another sick twisted game...
Let me run from my past, love...let me be free...
The song shall remain the same...

Tomorrow is a feeling Iam under...
And I think I know it all...
I don't even know the difference between the truth and the lie...
Leave me be, I will take the fall...

Tomorrow is another dead man down...
He was loved, lost and hated...
For him, tomorrows came too soon...
''I feel proud of what Ive created...''

Tomorrow is misery, will the failures rise?
She pretends to know me, rest is just surprise...
I think I let her go too soon...
Couldn't stop the tears falling from her eyes...

I could just go on and on...telling you of the tomorrows to come...
But I'll just leave you with this riddle in your hands...
Please love yourself...
...before it's banned.

From The Distance To Here

I close my eyes and when i open them, all I see is...chaos. The first thing i remember is just chaos...everyone running around here and if all of them have found that perfect place to go and all of them wanna be the first one to reach theirs.

She emerges from the chaos like poetry in motion and grabs my hand...we start to run...away from the chaos, away from the people, away from their voices, away from the screams, away from it all...hand in hand...just the two of us...that wasnt the part of the plan...but i like the route this one's taking...

Then suddenly, the chaos vanishes...the world finds peace again...the ground shakes no more...the dust that was rising from the earth settles down with immense speed...i dont even notice it...but i can smell it like yesterdays in my head.

Then they are calling out my name...and hers too. We shudn't be seen together...''they don't want us to be together''...i get the feeling instilled in my maybe true also...Their voices and warnings for me to come out grow stronger...I can feel them closing in on us with each step they if they knew, but they find this thought sadistically ravishing that we dont want them to think where we are hiding till they finally pounce on us, as they knew all along...

I can't take it anymore...and without even telling her, I start to rise to greet my fate...let them do what they want to with me, I don't care...I can't play this game anymore...I get up and as soon as I take my first step to come out of my hiding, I feel her cold hand tightening around my wrist...''Come here'', she says...we come close, our faces almost touching, our breaths colliding with each other like the winds and the waves in a violent storm...we kiss with our eyes closed and leave the world behind in that one intense moment....I can finally feel her like I wanted to...her heart beating loudly in the warm womb of her chest, almost ready to jump out...I wish I could just freeze this moment...

My eyes open...the world is a blur...the lights are too strong...and there are no magical exits, no secret doors in reality...and that's when I come to realize that it was all just a dream...damn! I guess that's why they call them that...''dreams''...when you wake up, they are gone...

Thursday, 2 November 2006

Family, Redefined

a destiny is chosen
the path proceeds
the dangers forewarned
but still, hope recedes

the empty table with me in the centre
spotlights on the chosen one
hard to avoid hungry gazes
and the mirror to see what i'll become

it's hard to be like my father
it's hard to make my brother understand
need someone to lift me from these shadows
sometimes all you need, is a helping hand...

abuses and curses, insults and fights
in our souls, dims a fading light
why cant you take me as i am
and set me free...?

is it your love or hollow hopes
that one day i'll become
what you couldn't be...?

it's hard to be like my father
it's hard to make my mother understand
it's hard to be like my uncle
you cant always ''be a man''...

Monday, 30 October 2006

Black Morning

he held my hand
he took me far
he left me there
now i dont know where you are

life is a game
life is a dream
i think i woke too soon, it seems

i saw his hands touching her
but i turned my back
ran out of view
tears fell from my eyes
and u shud kno
i am just like you...


iam a drama queen
they say you're the best i've seen
can i be so oblivious to the shadows?
like the rest of you are...
i am what you're after
broken mirrors and blood in a jar
there's a hand on my mouth
and i cant scream
i cant bleed for u tonight
i have tried before but fuck it i cant shout
i am naked for you, does that make me right?
like poison apples of eden
like the touch of your skin
i am like a dead leaf blowing away
yellow and dry in the autumn wind
so close,yet so far
i cannot be where you are
one step closer to the shame
and two steps away from where i was...

Ramblings - II

touch my body
feel my skin
let me be the one
to crawl within

this velvet surrender
is a weight iam under

i can bid goodbye to these lies
so i give in to your wasted tries

i am fading thru these sheets
u cant see my skin
i am lying on a bed of nails
with all that made me sing...

i want to forget about my past
tomorrow is a pill i cant swallow

hands are shaking as they hold the gun
i dont kno of the dreams to come...

all that i have lived for is a lie
the reasons,excuses and the tries
feel like drowning in this rain
now all my nightmares kno my name...

Thursday, 26 October 2006

The Grudge

This is about the dark side of love and liking someone...or...what I went thru in my previous love life...

I walked into her head tonight,
Nothing you could say can make it right
Remember the faces beset with gloom?
My shades turn to shadows of the moon.

Two bodies lay naked on a yellow field
Naked, they watch their senses reel
Are you my stranger across the room?
Something tells me I spoke too soon...

Sweet revelations and a silent wish
Never easy to lead the life I live.
Smothered with words, filled with lies
Your apple rots to its sweet decline.

They lick the bones clean of all the shame
Never differed, just trying to kill the pain.
The flies of tomorrow were maggots of yesterday
I bleed on a bed of nails, but she makes me wait...

I wrapped our love in a bundle of dead hair
I slit my wrists to stop the pain.
If I knew what you meant to me from before,
I'd get up and do it again.

There's a lie in your throat and I wanna rip it out,
There's a devil in your head and I wanna see him bleed.
Be careful watch you wish for, honey
What you don't know may not set you free.

Monday, 23 October 2006

Little Sister

She's known as danger, we consider as her our own,
The sweetest stranger, leave her alone.
Call it anger, call it what you may,
Throw away your fears, leave the ghosts at bay.

The screams in the room, the blood in the hall
All alone in the gloom, she takes the fall.
Make her remember, make sure she never forgets
If she turns, make it her biggest regret.

Crying to her doll,love will break her fall
But the mirror stuck to the skin, is digging in.
Walking tall, on the floor she crawls
There's a change that lies somewhere within.

She jumped from the window, stripped herself bare
He followed her through the field, grabbed her by the hair
She laughed out, but in vain
She said she missed the comfort in her pain.

They couldn't bend her, even though they tried
I couldn't mend her, when she cried
We prayed together, wish we'd fly
Wish we could leave all those behind...

I'm waiting, the smoke tells me its time to go,
A whistle, two more seconds, she'll be at the door.
But now I'm moving, running with the north - bound train
The outside its all empty, but she never came...

- Dedicated to all the children who are/were sexually abused...i dont know where you are...but I feel your pain...

Man With Rain In His Shoes - II

Walking along the shoreline
Just before the noon,
I am the man with
Rain in his shoes.

Oh, some things we cant have
And this life we cant change
But forget the past and move on,
Sun will shine after the rain.

I hope we find the key
To the lock on eternity.
Nothing in our lives is worth wasting
For nothing in our lives is free…

The days are long
And how long must you wait for him?
Don’t fall down and get blown away
Don’t let our light dim.

Home’s almost here
Be strong and hold on to my hand
Two more steps have no fear,
As water dissolves the land.

And I keep walking as the sun sets
Maybe I forgot the way to my home.
And now I’m back to my all,
As I stand drenched and complete,
Outside your door.
-In yo' face, bitch(y'all know wat i mean)! Iam in love now...

Friday, 20 October 2006

Chapter 3

Whatever it takes
I’ll walk the mile.
And I don’t care about our tomorrows,
It has been a while.
I’m getting so tired
So tired of starting again.
The sun is over me
I’ve lost my dreams in the rain.
I’ve been loved
I’ve been forgotten and lost.
I’ve been hated
I’m back to the start
You are me.
So we are one.
You shimmer from so far away
A mirror for the sun.

Thursday, 19 October 2006

Losing It... there anybody out there?...or in here?...anyway ive come here to say what i wanna so u might as well read it later...I AM IN LOVE...!! TINGLES AND EVERYTHING!! HAA HAA HAA...finally i found the miracle drug...and its helping me...she is perfect...even though she doesnt seem to think so...ive started ignoring alice(my guitar) dese days...i better pick her up and strum a few notes and make her happy...i think i will do that right now...chao!thanks for ur time...(were u even reading this?)

Sunday, 15 October 2006

Angel In A Stranger

If you look again
She will not be what she seems
She will be a whole new world
Smiling in your dreams.

If you touch her hand
She will lead you on.
And before you can even know it,
The past will be gone.

You may fight a war,
You can lose it all.
But she will heal the wounds
She will always be what she was.

She will make you laugh
She will make you forget
How bad this world can be,
When you end up in regret…

If you sing her songs,
She will come to you.
She’ll let you stay inside
If the words you say are true.

She is not a woman
She is not a girl.
She is not a friend
But an angel in a stranger, for sure.

Man Of The Family

Speak when you’re spoken to
Don’t pretend you’re free
Go where you’re taken to
I’ll tell you what you ought to be.

Cut out that noise, boy
Don’t you know I’ve laid a path for you?
What’s there to accomplish in a world full of masks?
I’m hoping you would learn a trick or two…

Don’t talk back to me son
I’ll shut you up for good
Never forsake whatever I’ve said
And make sure you’ve understood.

Do I make myself clear?
Or should I turn around and push rewind?
Don’t you tell me how it works, junior
I know what goes on in your dirty mind…

You think you’re right and I’m wrong?
You think there’s a place where you belong?
You think you’re the one who wrote this song?
Well I think you’re wrong,
I think you’re all wrong…


They say there is nothing like silence.

You can get a feeling of it in outer space. It has no limit. It’s just as vast, as dense, and as coarse as the space. But it’s not the same here on earth.

When I step out in my balcony at night carrying things in my head that no one else knows, I am silent…but I am slowly observing the travesty of life unfolding or watching myself unreel. All I know is that at that precise moment, at just that time in my life, I am mine. And nobody could take that away from me even if they wanted to.

I hear things that are far out in the distance. Cars honking away at the traffic. Kids playing, running around and screaming in the streets. The slow hum of the fan in my neighbour’s living room. Another neighbour of mine yelling curses at his wife, shortly followed by the sound of plates crashing down. I see a dog scratching himself under my balcony, I still don’t have a name for him but I feed him everyday. I like that dog.

Then there are the things I don’t see but I know that they are happening. I know the sun is rising in Brazil…or is going to. I know that people are probably watching their favourite soap right now on the tube and that’s why they aren’t out in the balcony to see the perfect shape of the moon and to gaze at the stars like me. I know that right now at this moment, someone is thinking of me…or I hope they are. I know that my maid is probably getting beaten by her husband. Someone’s mom is yelling at her kid for not doing his or her homework. Someone is dying. Someone is finding a reason to live. Someone is looking to the sky just like me at this instant…but for the final time before he jumps off the balcony. A child is dying. A mother is giving birth, she couldn’t be happier.

And I know there is a father who is walking out of his young teenage daughter’s room and is saying to her ‘if you tell this to your mother, you know what will happen to you…’ She is all alone now. Trying to understand what happened…but her young mind couldn’t seem to fully grasp the horror she has just been through. She hugs the pillow tightly.

I feel like I belong somewhere else, far away from here. I look to the sky feeling like this town is not mine anymore.

There is no such thing as silence.