Ordinary day-II

I'm not really a happy person...not that iam sad all the time but its just that maybe people dont know who i really am and thats what sometimes kills me...actually, sometimes I feel I don't even know myself..but I bet everyone's been there...

As far as ive known it...i usually get up in the morning and go...''Oh no, another bad day...''

I waste too much time on the things i dont need...i wish for the things i can do pretty well without...i am not good at anything except writing poems...iam just ok at playing guitar, drawing/painting, acting,etc...and that kills me sometimes...''I should be good at other things too''...I usually say that to myself atleast once a day....

Then my college life could be better too...I am in Khalsa(Delhi University)...and yes, you would be right if you said that its not by choice that Iam in this shit pit...its due to the shortage of it....but then i can also say Iam beginning to like it here and Iam also beginning to see through the shortcomings of all the so called 'big colleges' of north campus such as hindu and stephens, but lets not go there...thats not a road seldom travelled, but often...even though it's forbidden...

Yesterday i saw a movie that talks about the importance of saying (and telling) the truth in life...(Lage Raho Munnabhai) and also about resolving matters with your head, without violence and extreme force or even without raising your hands...but then again I feel that raising your voice doesnt really help in every case and everywhere...sure, it can help you get respect, but then again...it can take away what little dignity and self-worth you have, too...

There are many sides to my life...the way i live it and the way i wnt to live it...there's a person in me that wants to shout out about all the wrongs done to me and various other people in life...but then there's another person in me that sometimes just doesnt want to meddle just for the heck of proving yourself in front of others...I dont know what to do in most situations in my life..I dont know how to react...the truth is nothing in this life is simply black or white...no one's can simply be labelled as 'good' or 'bad'...eveyone has their sides too...everything is mixed up...everything's gray...and I don't know who is right or wrong anymore...not that it matters, but still...I just dont know where to go...who to go to...who should be followed or who should be lead...i just dont know anymore...

This is the current dilemma of my life these days...perhaps i should, for once, just stop analysing what people mean when they say something, perhaps i should be oblivious to the things written between the lines and i should stop trying to decipher what everything means in life, perhaps i should ignore the writing on the wall...but its hard to change who i am at the end of the day...these things might help me in the long run...perhaps what i should really do is live my life and just go on...and not think about what tomorrow might bring...

Hero

The news came at dawn,

And they put their shoes on.

Laughing, and still trembling...

But on the outside, everyone cried.

This was the state of the nation,

The story of the hero that died.

They sang their songs,

The tribute was very well arranged,

The food was very good, though undercooked,

Those on the higher ground were labelled mentally deranged.

He had no wife, no children too,

But was married to the truth.

Seems like it got him nowhere but under the ground.

They lifted his grave, then brought him down.

It's just the way the world works,

So he let out a warning with a measure,

''Please love yourself before it's banned'',

Shouted into the sky and pulled the trigger...

He is buried without a name....conspiracy...??

Probably someone wanted no one to learn,

The message on his epitaph, which was erased,

It said...''I will come back, I will return''.

Almost

Almost perfect, still not done,
Together forever, still not one.
On the same road. you and I,
Earth-bound misfits, learning to fly.

Almost there, so far away,
Losing everything to a brand new day.
Scared of the sun, watch the rain,
Still miss the comfort in our pain.

Almost new, we're broken toys.
This life, this love, was not our choice.
What is the truth? Everything is a lie,
Ashen-faced, yet so alive.

Almost right. we don't know what is wrong,
Still everyday, we sing our song.
This fame, this game - it ain't real,
This love I'm seeking, won't it too, disappear...?

The Affair

She touches her lips softly and like she never did before each day before going to sleep. She can't escape the thoughts in her head, they whisper to her...she tries to hush the dirty thoughts away...She tries to close her eyes but she sees his face more clearly, smiling now...She tries to shut out the noise of him breathing slowly beside her, but the noise only grows louder and louder...just like her screams...

She plays with her hair just like he does while she is at work and abrubptly stops when she finds a co-worker staring at her. She smiles to herself when she is going back home in the cab. That smiles fades away when her security gaurd greets her with a ''good-evening'' when she gets off the cab. She seems to think that he can delve inside her mind and find out who she is thinking about...then he will tell everyone about her...she doesn't want anyone to know, obviously.

As far as she can tell...she has had an unsatisfactory life...kids were never fair to her at school...they made fun of her and called her names. Her parents too, never seemed to understand what's best for their only daughter...she fell in love with an asshole whose name she can't remember...he left her for someone else...her story is just like everyone else...well, almost everyone else. But unlike everyone else, she uses her past to justify her present actions. She feels guity and dangerous, but satisfied at the same time...she is scared, but she knows she is willing to take any step in order to save herself, her secrest are safe with her...she feels passionate, just like she did in her school days....the only difference now is that her innocence is lost now, forever...

She turns over from her dreams...the ones she is so glad to be living now...the one she is so glad to be a part of...and turns to her nightmare...looking at the hairy shoulder of her husband sleeping with his back turned towards her brings her back to reality. She is not safe. She cannot go on like this forever. She must do something. She feels guilty. But she doesnt deserve him, she deserves someone better...''Oh god, where have I landed myself...?'', she thinks to herself.

''Oh god...is this the rest of my life...?''

Past

A wound laden with salt.
A hope with a million springs.

A black and white photograph.
With all our pains within...
A fading echo from the microphone.
A seed of our sins.
An uninviting baritone.
A battle we never win...
A key lost within ourselves..
Just one of those unnamed things.
A map to a road that leads nowhere.
A dead leaf in the autumn wind.
A tomorrow which never came.
A night with lights so dim.
A song which we made together.
A song we never sing...

The Hope Song

There's a shadow creeping up a dead-end street,
And it seems to know my name.
It calls out to me and tells me almost instinctively,
Everything can be changed.

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainity stinging clear,
I hold my secrets with me still.
The world is not as fucked up as it seems to be,
Somethings never change but somethings will.

There's a message in a bottle floating in the waves,
It's a story about a man in an unnamed war.
The world can do with more of such days,
In the end it says - ''Love will save us all...''

It will keep us alive, make us move on,
We are not of this hive, but to it - we still belong.
Down that road which reeks of hope and despair,
We will search, seek and move on, move on...

Now we walk, we have no worries,
No promises to keep or songs to sing,
The past is like an uninviting baritone,
And in our ears, it still rings, it still rings...

Sweet Decline

Been waiting in the dark too long,
Waiting for someone to hold my hand.
Thinking of you and the light that I've wasted,
My thoughts you would not understand.

The lengths we would go to,
The things that we hide.
When all the secrets are once revealed,
Rest is just surprise.

I am at one, I never lie,
If I'd lose, you know I tried.
Been down this road before, yes i have,
Tasted nothing yet, but sweet decline.

Getting used to the change and the distance between,
I've been everywhere and seen everything.
It's hard to lead the life we choose,
These thoughts in my head I cannot defuse.

Bombay Diaries - 2

( 7yrs. since Nana died...R.I.P.)

Went to Juhu again today with khalu (Arshi khala's husband), Amon, Osama (Shammi khala's younger son), Uzair (Shabbi khala's elder son) and Amaan (Arshi khala's older son). Today teh waves wer high, very high infact infact and me and Amon had lots of fun. Then a little while later, the clouds gathered overhead and it started raining really hard. Each raindrop seemed like a needle falling from the sky, piercing our naked bodies. So then we ran back to where our stuff was kept on the beach. The wind was damn cold and it hit us like an icy blanket - we hid behind a closed vending stall and after we had dried up...we ran back into the waves...

But then it statred raining needles again so me and Amon decided to go and hide behind the vending stall again. I broke into a run 'cuz i couldn't take the needles anymore...as I was nearing the shore, some rock or something cut my toe real badly and it was only when I went and sat next to khalu did i notice the damage the fucking splinter had done. I started bleeding real badly and khalu tied his vest to my toe...the vest turned red and even though the knot was real tight, it wouldnt stop the bleeding, though it did slow it down...

Osama was a real asshole with his smart comments and his constant requests to go back in the water...it was very inconsiderate of him...Anyway...the clouds parted soon and even though the sun didn't come out, I was kinda happy as the bleeding had stopped...

Me and khalu left everyone else on the beach to get my wound dressed up and he was real sweet and kind dressing up my wound with that he bought from the chemist shop as the doctor's clinic was closed...

When we came back, I felt a bit more relaxed thinking the wounds will heal...Osama and Amon went back into the sea while me, Khalu, Amaan and Uzair sat on the beach looking at them getting wet and having fun...I got to thinking of all the things that lie so close to me in my own life but still, they are so out of reach due to some ''disability'' in me...it was a very ''epiphany'' sort of a moment...

Osama and Amon came back sooner than I expected and we all went to Santacruz in an auto where we hogged Plain Dosa and Pav Bhaji...khalu's treat...then we went back home from a nearby bus stop, taking a Kurla bus...even though the blood still came out from my wound and made my floater turn red, I somehow managed to reach home without much damage...

I'll be going to the doctor's clinic tomorrow...he'll give me a tetnus shot on my cheek (the ''other'' cheek!!) and will re-dress my toe...hope I am able to sleep peacefully today...today's the ''sleep on the floor'' day for me...you see, there are only two beds in the house and since one bed is taken by Nani, me and Amon sleep on the other one on alternate days...I guess this is ''roughing it'' in Bombay, but I can take it for 14 more days...

My dreams are getting really weird...I dreamt (2 days ago) that I'd gone on a date with Saryu...she was looking pretty in a red t-shirt and we were in some neighbourhood jumping over puddles of water and mud...it seemed a lot like Kurla only...we were also talking about something that I can't seem to remember now...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway...

-3rd June,Saturday,10:53pm (2oo6)

Bombay Diaries - 1

It rained last night...heavy downpour...much to my relief, it was a typical mumbai sorta rain, and by that i mean to say that it wasn't accompanied with loud thunder...otherwise as you know, I wouldn't be able to sleep...but i did, and in the course of that...I had a weird dream...

Like most of my dreams...this one was set in my school...I was walking in one of the corridors on the ground floor but i didn't know where i was headed to or where my feet were taking me...before i knew it I was standing in front of the ground floor water taps and talking to someone about Prachi...most probably I was bitching...when I started to withdraw from the person i was talking to...'cuz I had to leave...I saw Rini standing beside him and he started saying that...''She hasn't changed...but has only grown fatter...''. It was slightly weird...kinda like a ''message''...I dunno...anyway...I laughed at his joke and walked away...

The for some reason i started looking for Ashrit...this was something i usually did in my school too, when I had a free period...i found him having really long hair and smoking a joint... he said...''Thank god, tu mila toh sahi''...then we started looking for Nitin...which was something we usually did in our school when we were together but couldn't find Nitin...when we found him...Ashrit hugged him and I got this feeling that we were walking outta school...smiling and laughing...even though everything had gone black...

This dream, to me, seemed to be very symbolic...of what... I don't know...if i was in Delhi, I'd call up Zehra and ask her to interpret it...

I kinda miss Delhi...even though I haven't been here for very long now...but still I do... there is something about this place that i don't like...something's missing and I can't put my finger on it...

It just stopped raining a few minutes back...the weather's very cool and damp...just like a mother's eyes who's just seen her daughter being wed or being born...the tears are the same but the feeling's different...here too, the weather's the same but the place is different...damn, I miss Delhi...

Arshi Khala's husband (khalu) came yestrday and we (Amon and me) went to Juhu beach with him...it was very cool standing in the sea and the waves hitting you again and again...even though the water's too salty but for a typical delhi-ite...seeing a sea in which you could actually swim is something of a treat...and we treated it just like that...

-31st May, Wednesday(2006)

3rd Jan,7:26am, 2006

Got up at 5 to study...actually sat down for it at 6:30, I ain't doing it now...even though i know its wrong and bad for me...I just don't feel like it you can call it an ''oversode of NSD''...now the acting skills of each character are becoming more and more refined and more natural day by day...it's a serious play...''Baarwan Khiladi''...and it has 5-6 very long scenes...we have to sum 'em all up in one hour and barring the last scene, it's still going around one and a half hours!! I guess now we will concentrate on the editing out of useless dialogues which eat up a lotta time from today...2 more days to the show...wish me some luck...!!

One more year...another useless one...wasted time...should have used it...should have done something...been something...but forget it all...move on...before we meet again...this life ain't an easy choice/obligation...makes me wiser still...but leaves me feeling dumb at the end of the day...maybe happy too...but stil I look for sympathy...human-ness...love...pleasure...and a feeling that i still belong to this world...maybe I'll keep a promise to myself this time around...I'll try to be happy and lead a happy life by just feeling good about who i am + will be...not what i was or should've been...AMEN!!

-1st diary entry of 2006

You

Do you dream? see the world twist and turn
Taking shapes in your head?
Forgetting the past,
And helping me forget about time.

Funny how it all figures when you lay down on the grass...

Curling like smoke,
Get up and smell the dew
I wish in these mornings of haunting mist,
You would see the things i made for you.

I could try to be a better man
But i am not who i really am
When i'm with you
I can watch the sun go down
And wish for the wind
To take me up in arms with you.

Dawn,bringing us back to who we were
Just another day for the dogs is done...
So i lay my head back down in your arms
And pray i was the one..

I wish for this i wish for that
I wish i could turn you back
I wish everything i said held true
I wish i was like you...

untitled

Cant you measure up to me just this once?
What you fear may set you free…
Could you fulfill my desires and the requests I choose to hide?
Be what I want you to be?
Tear down these walls to show you who I am
Are your days beset with gloom?
Do you remember the time you fell apart?
In vain, all too soon…?
It’s over, as they say
And I am the one to blame
In shadows now, I choose to hide
I can’t look at this the same…

Blame

Are you lost without a reason?
Or do you need a cause?
Do you wander when you’re alone?
Will you be the one to find the key to the lock?

I am not what I choose to be,
Changing everyday,
Now you are here,
And now you are away.

Same thing yet again
I smell the stench, face my fear.
It’s going on for sometime now
Is there a way out of here?

Disconnected, inspirational, whatever
You may choose to call yourself
To me you’re all the same
Relentlessness, forgiveness, it takes its toll
You’re the one to blame.

Tonight

Nothing can do me in...tonight
Nothing u say can make it right...tonight
Nothing darker or better still...
Seen it all before...been down that road a thousand times...

I could count all my demons
There's one for every day
I learnt so much from you
When your sorrow walked with me...

I could change,i could try
I could wish for a late goodbye
I will keep you still,against your will
Even if you escape from the corner of my eye...

Nothing you say changes a thing..tonight
Nothing at all can do me in...
So many things left behind
Lets see what tomorrow brings...

I am hanging on to your hollow words
Its something i learnt today
If i always trusted you,girl
Why did you leave me astray?

I am what you say i am
I am not what i choose to be
As i converse,empty and shallow
I can see you flying above me...

Nothing can change my ways...tonight
Nothing can differ with what i've got
I know you say,i tend to stray
But not all those who do so are lost...

16th november, wednesday, 9:00pm, 2006

The past has a way of catching up with you. Whole of it can come gather around your eyes in a second...it doesnt go away, it never will, you think about the choices you should have made...you think about the results of the ones you already did...you see yourself bending and changing when you rearrange the glass in the broken mirror of your past...you feel bad about the people you took for granted...you feel guilty...And that guilt carries itself forward from the past, like a wind throught the sea, and creeps into your present times too...there is no escape from it...no place you can hide from it...no hole you can dig to go deep into...if you shut your eyes, you see it more clearly...if you shut your ears...the noise thats inside of you only becomes louder...
You are lucky if you have a warm heart and a person's shoulder to rest your head on - and for once, forget about trying to find an answer to everything...seems like I always had the former, but am forever craving for the latter...

- actual diary entry from my diary...

Lucky

Lucky you, they let you slide
Smothered with words, just like before
Devil in your hand, confidence
Sleepwalking still, why go home?

Lucky me, they let me live
Hanging on their sins one more time
Hesistant of all the questions asked
What is yours and what is mine?

I'm at one, though i often stray
Out of the corner of your eye
Devil in your mind, still you pray
To take his hand and walk the line.

Easier to run, short of alibis
Bloody scars under the shining lights
Early to bed, says it again
Stop singing me these lullabies...

Put me to sleep i shall wake
Rise with the sun, begin to shine
Finding reasons looking upto the sky,
I know this is not my time.

Lucky you, you know who i am
Broken mirror, rearranged
Like sand in an hourglass, slide through my hands
Somethings can never be tamed...