Shade

Inside a hurt that wont go with time
You’re right here girl
Only I know how you’re not mine
And it wasn’t that easy you know
To get to you my sinful star
The summer’s finally up
Lift your head
Crack your spine
Steal some shade
Take me away leave me astray.
Any minute that I got the world on a fishhook
You’re the wave,
You’re the wave that takes it away.
No crowds in the street
This time I walk on my own
Come on down your slow gray walls
Here comes the sun…I cant
No I can’t, I won’t look
Need some shade tonight
Doused these flames
Chasing your car down the line
These rains won’t get slow
Come and rest in my shade tonight.

Sleep

Hey beautiful, come and get me
I can wait here forever
This rain has set me free
I am running, I’d like to take you with me
Wrong again, so I lie
Give in to my wasted tries
You know I cant be all that you want me to be
I am just a boy
Maybe a man, but not for long
Two steps away from where I was.
Spinning, dancing, call out my name
Forget it all and walk with me
You know how I long to hold
You warm warm hands
Whatever you say is all right
You needn’t make me understand.
Slide overhead, soul is sleeping
Let this be another so and so
Let me come undone
I’ve only just become…nothing.

Alien

Satellite, come and get me
Or watch me from afar.
Wait for me by the clouds
Did you get to be a star?

This is just round and round
Like in circles we go.
Existential carousel
Give me all you know.

I’m still lying here, arms open wide.
Calling out your name.
If you knew how I see you in my eyes,
Will you look at me the same?

Questions turn to answers
And these answers fall away.
I don’t know why I came here
Now I feel like I can stay…

So do you still talk,
When it rains down on you?
I wanna hold you like nothing’s free
I wanna tell you all the things I wanted to.

But every time you come around
This beam takes me back into time
I wanna tell you everything
I just can’t make up my mind.

Lonely Wind

She stands nest to the window
As the wind blows by.
Watches the sea rising,
Then pretends to smile.

All alone again
In her lonely home
Smiling eyes shining
Through holes in the door.

Hear his footsteps on her head
Taking pictures lying on the bed.
So pretty and white as she smiles again
There are words on the wall that she wrote in vain.

She stood in your room
Some words she said.
You just turned away
You’ve been living in your head.

With nails in your head,
You’re getting high.
This house is filled with smoke
And the tears you’ve cried.

Wish I were that dog
That sleeps outside your home.
Watch you smile everyday
As you throw me the bone.

Well I’m like your broken windowpane
I’m the wind blowing by your shores.
Let me sing lullabies as you sleep again
I’ll leave through the holes in your door.

Afterglow

There in you sky,
Stars are sinking like stones.
I’m back to the start again
It’s not a place where I belong.

Seems I’m the only one
Waiting for a change.
Now I see the sun,
But I wish it would rain…

I wanna runaway with you
Down these roads I haven’t been.
Throw my mask and drive away
Just one day from the obscene.

The things that I do
To the one I love.
Bend her till she breaks
Push her till I shove.

Like the sun sinking in my rearview mirror
Shining like the things I’ve left behind.
You should know you’re still the one
Who’s always shining in my mind.

Empty Room

Lately I’ve been coming down,
With a friend’s hand in mine.
Crazy but I dream again.
I’ll believe it this time.

Yes, I know it never comes around
I can try in vain.
But if I never, I’ll never know
Of tomorrows to begin.

You should see the way she smiles
The way she walks with tears in her eyes.
The way she looks when she looks away
And leaves me there, with nothing to say.

I remember that dance,
Beside your stereo crass.
No distance between us as once was
Fingers clutching the day to pass.

When she swims around me
I hear the words she didn’t say.
When she walks me by
I got songs in my head.

Spinning in an empty room
With arms open wide.
I’ll do it all to be
The one who makes you smile.

I’ve been waiting for you to show me
That road you took to hell.
I’m transparent for her to know me
But why even know yourself?

She

She’s got a wound that doesn’t heal
It’s burning, burning out again.
She’s got a heart that doesn’t kneel,
She’s walking, walking out again.
She’s got a room full of photographs,
A hand full of scars.
One for each day,
That she fell apart.
She’s got a box full of letters
A head full of hurt.
And she’s alone tonight,
She’s all used up.
She’s got nowhere to go,
Nowhere she can turn.
She turns around to face her past,
But it only burns.
The wound grows deeper than the skin
She knows how to hide.
She runs till out of breath,
And forces a smile.
Her hope runs underneath all day
Washing with water down the drain.
Standing like a kid whose lost her dreams
Lost her dreams in the rain.
She screams, nobody’s listening
They’ve left her all alone.
Didn’t get her message that without love,
A house doesn’t make a home.
Everything is broken
And what isn’t, is breaking down
It’s not right to hate it all away
With your head out in the clouds.
Take his hand, learn how to love
Be selfish for yourself
You’ve had enough.
How long can you stay divided?
Divided, like the razor’s edge.
Its time for us to be getting up.
We the weak say she’s strong,
And it won’t be long
We the right say she wrong,
And she won’t be gone.
Let her find where she belongs
Beyond this setting sun
Still waiting for that day
This is her song now,
This is her song.

-To, for and about Zehra...love ya everyday!

Zehra's Hands

December...dunno when...

The wind from the window hit me like sharp icicles on my face...I was with Zehra, snug as a bug on the last seat in my bus...my face the target...save me!

Sorta like she heard me from the far even though she had my walkman on...I had no gloves...she was only wearing one on her right hand...she switched it to the other one and gave me her naked hand...

'My hands are too cold...'

'Atleast it's better than cold hearts.'

I never let go till college came,and for once, I didn't feel the icicles.

The Last Scene

All my life
Just the last scene.
Roses and curtains
Are all I’ve seen.

The lights go down
I’m no one again.
Break this mould
Shed my skin.

The people, they love it
All they do is cheer.
Like painted faces with painted smiles
That’s not what I want to hear.

Al my life
What have I seen?
You know I’ve failed you, love
When I can’t change a thing.

Sweeping exits hurt the most,
Not your offstage lines.
The roles that are there for you and him,
I wish they were mine.

Well, I’m just a player
In a cast that’s severe.
I’ve got pages filled with ink,
And a scene called ‘nightmare’.

It doesn’t make much sense
All I got to do is fall.
With just a string on my back,
It’s a long way down to nothing at all.

The clocks are ticking,
Time is wasting away.
I know my lines,
But I don’t know how to say.

It’s been hard to come this far,
From where I once began.
And as this darkness surrounds me,
I wish you’d take this hand.

This is my life,
It’s the last scene.
Waiting for the roses now,
Like I’ve always been.

3 AM

Ain’t no sound when I sleep tonight,
Wide awake I lie waiting by no one’s side.
There’s a song in my head that keeps playing over & over again.
This is just not enough – I can’t always swim.

So don’t wait for me,
Stand by the squares.
Transmissions falling down,
And you just stare…

But I can look forever
Get high with me just this time.
Try to stand on your feet,
Our steps would always rhyme.

I am a black and white photograph,
Screaming out your name.
Look at me and smile like you always do,
Sleep on my shoulder, and I’ll smell your skin.

Am I out of line?
Am I out of time?
Clocks ticking forever, girl
But it feels good to know you’re mine.

Creep

Shadows are falling; they’ve come here to stay
Twisting and turning, like the thoughts in my head.
I want to hold your hand, even if you lead me astray
I’ve just begun; I can do this all day.

Dancing in a city lit by fireflies,
Been losing sleep thinking about your eyes.
Been searching for something I know I won’t find,
Help my forget it all, wake by your side.

I can be wrong, I’ve always been
I can be strong, hard and mean.
I’ll be everything you wanted to find
But I can’t be your or like one of your kind.

Walls are crumbling, they’re falling away
I’m fumbling and crawling, you leave me this way.
I beg to differ and lose myself
You know tomorrow’s just another day.

This is not just a call; it’s an ache in disguise.
This ain’t just a fall, it’s the sweetest surprise.
I’ve been down this road too many times
But not with you, so I’ll wait tonight.

Changes

Tonight I made a scar
But it didn’t have your name.
Don’t know who we are
When all we do is change.

I wore a mask, I swear,
I tried to make it right.
I always give up easily,
But not this time without a fight.

Lit a candle this morning,
Watched the flame dance and sway.
Like hope recedes to ashes,
I saw it fade away.

But you’re still here
Breathing by my side.
I know this won’t change
But it’s still all right.

Stories Of The Street

The stories of the street
Are all my own.
It is here, where
I walk all alone.

I do my time
Till the sun is shone.
Then I stride –
A stone among stones.

Past is buried
In these alley walls.
It’s shouting like the scriptures
In a shopping mall.

And a kid’s graffiti
That reads louder than words.
Louder than silence,
Yet unheard.

When the lights go down
I hear a symphony that’s crass.
People say its waltz,
But I say it’s jazz.

They can’t stop fighting
They can’t let it go.
So I start drinking
To warm my bones.

It gets so cold
So cold at night.
Children singing songs
Mothers passing by.

Ghosts of soldiers
Waving in their suits.
Just got back from war,
With their medals and their dirty boots.

Old man singing about
His long lost love.
Hands are open wide,
To something up above.

I never pray
I just do my time.
Here on this street
The stories are all mine.

Strange Roads

Down these roads I choose to walk
My only company is ‘change’.
Even if this couldn’t lead nowhere
I swear I’ll be the same.

Sweetest stranger with the blackest eyes
Broken wings and shining light.
Born to lose, but win and die.
You on my shoulder, the world passed me by.

And these roads I choose to sear,
My company remains the same.
Even if this could lead nowhere
I swear I’ll keep walking.

Never mind these bad times
Its something I choose to forget.
Down these roads with hard lines,
Everything shan’t end up in regret.

Though it really doesn’t matter
Couldn’t change it if I tried.
I know it doesn’t matter
I’ll do it till I get it right.

Another Round

Too alarming now..to talk about...

but i will anyway....

i wudnt wanna change a thing now that ive come this far down this road ive been on so many times....yes i know i know iam wrong when i say this but whose listening anyway...?

can u lie there waiting?
i'll just follow you....

i can be anything u want me to be...i will run for cover...i will roll like thunder clouds hanging above you...i'll wear a mask...i'll learn spells...i'll smoke...i'll drink...

i'll do it all...everything.

just dont tell me to keep your secrets.
i always fuck it up.

and you,listen up
i am a boy
i am a kid.

not a man.

dont wanna be.
period.

Midnight Hope

Is this the end of just another night?
Is this the new year or just another light?
Closer to the edge and never the same.
Chase me through the dark, pretend you know my name.

It’s shifting constantly from the distance to here
Never knew anything till I knew fear.
It’s getting dark around me, dear
But I won’t just stand and watch you disappear.

Shine your halo; open your wings wide,
There’s a heavy wind that’s blowing tonight.
Let me get lost in your smiling eyes,
For all we know, its gonna be alright.

The End

This one is for those
Who lost their tracks.
For shattered dreams
And broken noses in the back.

I haven’t come much far
From where we once began
But the story’s over
Let go of my hand.

I gave you my word
So why don’t you sing?
Me thoughts are wasted
You cannot dance to anything.

The water gets so cold
And the waves, they get so high.
All that we’ve ever known is lost,
You know it must drift away and die.

I’ll change my name
I’ll find my song.
With the revelations in my head,
I’ll sing along.

I’ll burn my flag
Tear my soul
Clip my wings
Feel free to roam.

And behind me I see
Glowing embers of the places I’ve left behind.
I run, shelter from the sun
It’s always raining in my mind.

A song sounds the same
When words don’t mean a thing.
Open your eyes, love
This is the end.

Present Tense

Two years have passed, since
I’ve been the same.
I’ve seen it all,
Always took the blame.

She blinks so slowly
Stuck in my head.
Walk with me,
Past is instil.

I’ll never change
Everything around me does
Too much time
Spent on wasted love.

I’ll hold my ground
I’ll start again.
Change my shoes
Walk through rain.

To walk this road ain’t easy.
But is there ever an easy way out?
This last line is a contradiction

I knew more then, than I do now.

Drama Queen

You seem lost, girl
Are you looking for a change?
Burn this flag in front of me
Tomorrow you’ll raise the same.

When I fall down,
It’s hard to find me there.
When I get high,
You’re everywhere.

You walked by me
I didn’t really care.
It was for the second time
When I really stood and stared.

I’ll do it all
To hear those three words.
At time I feel,
I feel too much.

And you rage love with mistletoe,
Everyone’s a broken story, sanity in tow.
Hide beside me please if you cant let it show.
Everyone’s scared to death of dying here alone.

When I choose to kneel,
You know I really care.
When I start to bleed,
You tell me it’s not fair.

Hey Casanova, pass me the mistletoe,
Too scared of holding on or letting this go.
Too tired to try, I’ve been thinking you’d know
For everyone’s scared of dying here alone.

Empty

Sometimes you lie so quiet
You stare at an empty space.
Smile with tears in your eyes
You know everything else can just wait.

Aren’t you tired?
Of waiting here alone.
No, they won’t listen
Stop beating your hands at the door.

So pretty when you smile.
So empty when you lie.
I’ve been learning to forgive,
I’ve been yearning to try.

I look at walls that’ll never change.
I miss your voice calling out my name.
I miss the way you used to sing.
Words are different, but the song remains the same.

Two

Can I please be oblivious?
Wanna break into a run,
Don’t know what to call this
I’ve only just begun.

You and your names, they haunt me still
I’ll do it all, wait by your door
Dream of you, and
Your phantom kiss.

I can be your favourite liar
Your boy without a soul
Lead you through this life, uninspired.
I know I’m not the one you’re looking for.

So pick up your weight and walk with me
Only we know we can never be free.
Everything I do, feels the same
These songs I write don’t mean a thing.

Like a soldier fighting a losing battle
A gun and a flower in his hands.
I get up and walk away
Then I was just a boy.
Now I’m only a man.

She & Them

She said she wants to be like me
Five years down the line
I told her we should be ourselves
Before we run out of time.

Another got up and left the room
I followed her through the maze.
She turned and laughed at me
She said it’s just a phase.

And she, she wants to change the world
I said it’d stay the same.
Hey girl, haven’t you seen enough?
Only you know you can change.

Another one said – boy, you gotta straighten out,
Clear your head that’s been filling with doubt.
I don’t know why you should even care
Then leave me alone, standing here.

One wants to push me against the wall
One wants to make me crawl.
One leaves with nothing to say
I’m still here, but you’re walking away.

And she said the world could wait,
Lets dance for one last time.
I said we should save the last dance
Till we know our steps will rhyme.

She said that she would pack her bags
Leave this town behind.
A tired song on a tired radio
But tonight – it’s gonna be just fine.

A house in the hills she’ll build
Everything else can just wait.
So tell me where you wanna go,
Because now you’re walking away.

Angel

When you look into my eyes
You got nothing to say.
We’ll keep our lives reserved
For those who have to pray.

I’ve come a long way
From where I once began.
Darkness surrounds me today
Come and take this hand.

Down on the outside
Nothing seems to last.
You gotta slow down, woman
You’re moving way too fast.

You’re the sweetest friend,
Not a bend in the road.
Past is burning behind
But we’ll let it go.

And the mirror lies again
And the reflection fades away.
We’ll keep our lives reserved

For those who have to pray.

-Dedicated to Juh, my angel, my friend and the sweetest muse.

Black Circle

Running back and forth in my head
Thinking about throwing this switch down.
I know the pieces don’t fit, never will
Wonder what will it take for us to come around.

Is there any hope left? Perhaps none.
This black circle of a planet still spinning,
Here no one wins and no one’s one.

I am in my head, I’m burning out
What the fuck is this place? So upside down.
And what did I find? More than just a change…
I don’t want to lose this common ground.

Under the earth, your breed’s dying
Still, with those eyes, that smile – you depart.
Wasting it all away to nothingness,
Betting it all on an ace of spades, queen of hearts.

Words are hollower than your soul,
Still they haunt, cut like the knives.
Everything and everyone is done,
We choose to call this life.

Theory of a dead man, words of Christ
Rising on my skin, stigmata of time.
Still got to choose the way I wanna slide,
He lead me astray, was never a fucking guide.

Lost Letters

Ive a thing for north easters chicks...ive a thing for japanese babes...damn so hot...!!

Whenever i look at em i go crazy...

why am i even writng this down?

its not like you care...but anyway this is useles piece of information that u can spin to your heart's delight in any way u want to...so go right ahead be my my guest...do me!

i miss her like hell...damn iam going insane...i need money money...money...khalsa college, wont you bestow this honour upon me??...i gotta get somewhere rather than going nowhere...

and why...

why the fuck shud u mind everything i tell you this much?

after all i am your aazarina...yeah sorry boy...i get angry somtimes...be glad i aint naming you here...watcha gonna do?

and damn the distance...just damn it.

damn the letters that will never get to juliana...and vice versa.

damn the things i will never be able to tell saranya.

damn the times i will never be besides zehra.

damn the times i cant talk to rwick.

damn the things i can't be

iam outta here.

Fucking A Boy

Don’t get the meaning
Of writing this down
In pursuit of happiness
Only silence surrounds.

Fucking just a boy
Maybe now I’m a man.
Look inside my head
You’ll never understand.

Sexy body, you got no hair
Let me touch you, feel your breath
You just fucking stay away.
I am a boy; don’t fuck me in the ass.

They say I’m a woman
I sing like one.
My mother is ashamed
When she sees me naked.

Well, here I am.
Now I stand.
Just a boy.
Maybe a man.

Lights go down
Screams go out.
Remove your fucking hand
Or I’ll rip it out.

Sick

Heard the clown weep with his jokes gone bad
Seen the soldier sleep on a pile of rags.
Watched a poet burn his words to ash,
But I still wait for my time to pass.

He loves me still, she loves me not
Tired of his hollow stare.
Fucking drama, why this innocent?
This silence leads us nowhere.

This is a contradiction, avarice and shame
Ain’t no point left to shout.
I’m nothing, no one again,
I knew more then, than I do now.

I’ve seen them kill an innocent man
But man is never innocent – why the fuck not?
These words wouldn’t do any good
It’s not like you want this to last.

My mind’s delusional, maybe I need a fuck
But oh no, how can you say?
These babes won’t turn their ass on you
Fuck his ass, anyway.

-pointless ? worthless? fuck you.

Holiday

Where were you when,
I got so high?
I never grew wings
Yet I wished to fly.

With friends surrounded and the fire burning,
I found a reason to forget.
Writing names on the glass,
My thoughts went far; up, up and away.

I never look before I laugh
But I always look ugly in a photograph.
It’s not just your eyes, they haunt me still
No one can see, no one can see.

Where were you when
I touched the sky?
I found myself right here
Wish you could see me smile.

Where were you when
The troubles died?
I fucked up my stomach
For on last time.

Well, I’m still waiting, thinking of you,
The words you said, they still ring true.
I hope you forget everything I didn’t say,
I’ve been here but you’ve been away.

Monster

She walks on the pavement
Shadows across the lonely room
2 am, what a time to run
And leave behind her only load.

Mother is dying with a baby in her womb,
Blood lies scattered all over the room.
The wound grows deeper, cutting through the skin
Past on her back, but it’s everything.

She cries in the basement,
Tied to daisy chains.
They pushed her too far,
Bled her veins.

Now al her nightmares
Know her name.
But she is walking out,
Things won’t be the same.

She is the shape of things to come,
Hides her wounds, starts to run.
Sun is rising, heartless glow
Turns around, which way to go?

Under The Tree

She called me from her window yesterday while i was sitting with frends surrounding and a teacup in my hand, i was thinking of her only...she was writing her name on her frosty window...how i wish i was there...i would write mine too...

iam afraid she would read this and she would know in her head, my my hurt wont change her and she would stay the same...i could care more but its ok...iam not in love and for the first time iam glad...i like everything about her...how she moves in slow motion...nothing would ever change for the rest of my life but iam learning to live with it...

under the tree with the wind blowing...she is shaking from head to toe...got drunk once but is ok now...iam gettin high on my own supply but damn do i miss her like nuts...driving me insane yes she is...ive nevr felt this before or maybe i have and have forgotten it...or maybe i have just not in the same way...

oh man ure gonna try everything which aint too dangerous for ya aint ya?

anyway its ok...iam glad she is happy...and a frend is ecstatic...so i couldnt ask for more...its freezing here...but there...it would be so hot...i cannot be where she is...but we will meet again..in my head ure already there...dont waste ur time on me.

Me, Alone

Sometimes i need the sun even when i know its gonna rain...like my thoughts in my head which even i dont get most of the times, i really dont know how the hell does this world work...one thing is for sure, the funniest thing here are the people walking around, dont figure em out boy...just walk away form this...let the guitar play in your head..let poetry merge in ur brain...forget it all move on...dont look back.

This is getting more and more happy...iam finally true...iam finally what i wanted to be...i am loved iam wanted...ive become a boy...and i dont wanna be a man anymore...sorry uncle, sorry dad, sorry my brother...i let you down...

sometimes i think iam becoming more and more like a girl each and everyday and sometimes i just wanna do and feel what i feel like doing and being...whats really sad is the world...it lets me down everyday...

i am learning to give up my real dreams and chasing the ones i know might never come true but seem more within reach than anything thats close to me.

oh, how i love you aazar.

Colours

why is my world so black and white...that too on the festival of colours...actually i dunno what colour it is anymore...different shades of grey would be the best definition.

all my frends dont know what they want and its sad when they try to tell me to have an idea of exactly what i should want...i havent walked down this road and i wont now...for it isnt the time...but still they preach with hollow hopes or hopes in vain...and i can say i do too...but it leads no where...way too fast.

i saw juliana's pics today in her album.
god she's beautiful.

her smile.
the black locks of her hair.
her lips.
her face.

a reminder of all the things i cant have.

a picture.
not black and white.
definetly not gray.

but...colours.

damn.

Farewell

The pictures you took,
They didn’t have my face.
The letters that I sent,
Got lost along the way.

I’ll be there when you look in the mirror,
Maybe on the other side.
I’ll stick around, underground
If you ever choose to hide.

You know I’m not the same
And I get so high.
Even if I forget your name,
I promise I’d remember the time.

You never told me a thing,
Still I know what you wanted to say.
I wish you could see me, girl
When you look the other way.

And in the end when songs are sung
When sorrow rules the day.
With hollow hopes our heads are hung,
Come and take me away.

There are riddles that lie unheard
Like the words not yet spoken.
And there’s silence that speaks louder than words
Of promises broken…

Sunrise

You should look at my baby when she cries
So beautiful – heaven in her eyes.
I’ll die to get there, I do and I try
But they put her in a car and they drove her by.

Now I see angels in my dreams,
The future’s never what it seems.
The past is a place I’ve never been,
Down these roads but I remember everything.

I smile and I smile in vain,
To hide my lies and cover the shame.
They say you weren’t an easy friend,
Deep in your heart – I’ll meet again.

You should look at my baby when she cries
You should see my girl with tears in her eyes.
She told me to wait for tomorrow’s surprise,
But they put her in a car and drove her by.

Now I dream of her everyday,
I walk down the roads she used to stay.
Pretty and white, the things she would say,
Well, I’ll wait love – I’ll wait my life away.

I hear your whispers across the hall,
Their twisted voices mean nothing at all.
Lights go down and I’m two feet small,
Never knew gravity till I took the fall.

You should look at my baby when she cries,
I catch the tears from the corner of her eye.
She chooses to pretend, forces a smile,
And becomes a living picture in the frame of self – denial.

Yes I know she isn’t real.
But my friends, I don’t pretend I feel.
I’ll surrender I’m not afraid to kneel,
If you ask me, love is surreal.

Two more minutes, I watched you go
Disappear behind a bend in the road.
I heard you humming songs of long ago
I hope you still sing, just like before.

I saw my baby and the way she cried,
She put her face against the glass, wished to fly.
Crimson hair across her face, her hands were open wide,
When they put her in a car and they drove her by…

Sunsets

If you read between the lines,
You will see my pain.
Don’t try to hide in empty aisles,
You know I’ll find you there.

I pray until the sun is set,
Asleep from all my pain.
This dream rots to its decline,
Only if this could lead nowhere.

Things are changing,
I’m lonely in my mind.
Past is haunting,
But I’ll leave it behind.

These cages and these alarms,
Won’t keep me safe from harm.
It shall come with silent steps
Drag me away, into the sunset.

I followed you through the field,
You just turned and laughed at me.
You blinked, maybe twice
Then you walked away.

I’ve felt this before
Saw all there was to be seen.
If you don’t know where I’m coming from,
How do you know where I’ve been?

And what’s the use of this world? She said
Where I don’t remember anything.
And I’ve got many songs in my head,
But you’re the reason I sing.

Dog Without A Name

I, I’ve been walking the same
I, I’ve been feeling down again
You, you’ll never change
Cuz I’m always there to take the blame.

Washing down with the rain, the tears that I’ve cried
Walking the roads we used to walk, we call this life.
And in my heads, the thoughts I can’t defuse,
I swear I’ll die to win, cuz I’m born to lose.

Who’s on your side? What’s on your mind?
Where will you go when you have to hide?
It’s not your weight that’s killing me girl,
I love and I hate it when you look at me and smile.

I’ve seen everything that’s never happened before.
Seen love walk right out of the door.
It’s never been this good or this slow,
Now I miss you more than you could know.

I miss you like a pagan; heavens left his side
I miss you like a sinner who’s got no one to confide.
I’m lost and I’m broken, bent at the side,
Let me walk away, leave this behind.

No one sings me lullabies
No one wipes these tears from her eyes.
But if u come down with your weight tonight,
I will hold you still...like a cradle unfilled,
For I am weary of the hide.

Blind

Running with the waves
Thinking I am free.
Funny how it changes
Like shorelines and the sea.

I am not your savior
Don’t lay me on a cross.
Lost in the maze of my questions,
I never know the cause.

The moon will go down,
Sun will rise again.
But hopes lie in ashes
Of a new day to begin.

I am not the pretty one
I always feel the pain.
I’ll carry your hurt with me,
I’ll take the blame.

Promises washing down my ear,
I need to feel something real.
Hold me close, even though you’re far,
I knew this love would disappear.

1:03 am....no one's online...just finished listening to HOW I MISS YOU by FOO FIGHTERS....DAVE GROHL is in my head...i wanna be just like him...

If you're leaving,
come back soon.
That's not easy to say...

I dont know where Iam going...and unlike most times...i dont know where to go...they want me to be perfect...oh damn,iam running away from this...no more safe choices in my head...oh Juliana,come back...u've left me like this...then i was just a boy...now iam just a man...

These ramblings never help cuz they never mean a thing to anyone else...why can't i be like you? Why can't I, for once, forget who i am...or,where I've come from...i guess its in my past to presume..

Did I lose you...
Did I lose you...?
Somewhere down the line...
Hide and seek's alright if I find

I can't think straight anymore...I don't dream the same anymore...I'll never be what I was...but I guess I'll always be a dreamer cuz my dreams never come true...
If my dreams were a junkyard...it would be over flowing with rusted stuff...

Iam sinking deep below...need a place...need a hand...I know I know I know you're there...but damn whose to say of tomorrows..maybe you'll just be another dream...

I will wait here,
Dream of you.
All alone as I ache.

Boysong

I got a ball rolling
Around my head
There are memories of everything
I’ve ever felt

This road I’m walking,
Just the same.
Down and out
But never again.

Do you want my paycheck?
Are you looking for a name?
Well you can keep the money, bitch
And you could go insane.

She kisses mirrors,
Reflection of her face.
They say she’s beautiful
A living picture in a frame.

They say she’s everything
I don’t see the same.
Now she’s dancing in the courtyard
Screaming all my names.

I wanna see you naked
In her body and her thought.
Lay you down like a grenade,
Blow the fucking pin off.

- Sometimes I feel horny too...

Again

When you look in the mirror,
What do you see?
I see a little boy,
He can never be free.

I see an old man
With scars on his hands
But you never see me,
You’ll never understand…

Down by the wayside,
I found it to be true.
I thought what I wish for,
And ended up hurting you.

Have you kissed the enemy?
Are you living a lie?
You fall down broken and empty,
And you call this life.

Well I won’t change
I won’t break this mould.
I’ll get to see you again,
When we meet down this road.


-Another 5-minute poem.

Rainchild

I know I’ve come
Down this road.
For once, I feel
Like letting go.

Midnight’s swimming
Too early today.
Fingers still clutching
The dawn to pass…

Falling, on my knees
Dancing, on the street
Feeling, like I’m free now…
Singing, songs relief
Dreaming on a tree
Feeling, like I’m free, now.

The past is almost over
The earth is red no more.
I remember where we used to sing
Of after and before.

Come on down with your weight, tonight
Time to be what we are
Rid a child of his frowns,
Touch my body, feel my scars.

Falling, on my knees
Dancing, on my feet
Feeling, like I’m free now…
Sing, songs – believe
Dreaming, you and me
Feeling, I’ll get there, somehow…

So, unlock your hands and touch my spine
The past was yours, but the future’s not mine.
Been everywhere, made everything my home,
Which song you’re gonna sing to when I lie all alone?

Come to me and make me believe
Make me lose myself; break walls that are wearing thin.
I’m becoming sublime without trying to hard,
Oh well, you can’t always swim.

-dedicated to the one true rainchild, Ishita.

Fall

Falling down
With my face to the ground,
And everything
That made me sing.
It disappears and fades away
Like the noise that surrounds
Bitter taste in my mouth, still
Haunts of an unfinished drink.

Who am I?
My story’s the same.
I think I know it all,
‘Cuz I’ve played the game.
No boy, you’re wrong – you’re blind
The game plays you,
You can’t walk the line.

Watcha gonna do when
The tides get high?
I clipped your wings, now
You can’t fly.
You can’t soar,
Though you dream it all.
Don’t look back, don’t look down,
Face the sky and take the fall

Child B

Home is where the hurt is
But hurt is my home
Bruises on my face
I can’t call this life my own.

There’s a hand over my mouth
Eyes wide shut with fear
Sing me your songs
Just lullabies to my ear.

Not like the sun that’ll rise at dawn
Hurt a child and a monster’s born
Knots around my hands, now
Don’t know where I belong.

You push until you shove
You bend until you break.
Break me into pieces
I’ll choose to call it ‘fate’.

Naked, fake it
Mistakes in my head
Surreal, disappear
Lend me your name.

Mind Riot

Washing down the writing on the wall
Feeling lost and oh so small
Lights go out and the noise goes down
I’ve seen it all; I’ve seen it all.

Who do you follow? Where do you lead?
Lost causes and questions in my head.
The city streets beneath my feet
They make it harder to walk away…

Walking still,
I feel my mind riot.
This place makes it worse,
All this noise inside the quiet.

Everyone’s asking questions
From the distance to my home
Leave me be here in my mind
No one sings like you anymore…

You’re jaded…you’re faded
I’ll leave you alone.
So god damn serrated
Grinding through my bones.

Standing still while,
I see the others run and hide
The voice inside my head makes it worse
All this noise inside the quiet.

Running in circles
Dancing in squares
Chasing you down unknown roads
Only if this could lead nowhere…

Dumb Sex

Sordid she lay, in a washed out room.
I made her naked, she made me too.
Now let me sleep in the bed that I’ve made
Pretend to sleep, and dream awake.

Tears in her eyes now, she feels the pain
Dried up sores and hopes in vain
This fire’s burning somewhere inside
But she can smile just the same…

Needs are vague and a past forgotten
Stripped so bear and thoughts to come
She’s laughing at me and all that I am,
And the man I wouldn’t become.

Yes I like the big dumb sex
Some things are so easy to forget
This one will be hard to remember
Down my road of endless regrets.

You’re so pretty and white
Fucking pretty when you’re faithful
I can stare at you forever
But I’ll never see you, beautiful.

V

Its valentine day...dance all you people,dance like with the hollowness inside of you that you're too shallow to see...maybe i am this pissed off cuz all my frends are miserable and i cant get laid but then again i am like ashish...single ready to mingle,but really dont care...yeah,i aint desperate...

how does it feel to be one of the beautiful people....?


well how would i know?
and dont u already have that answer....?

Confessions

Coming down the line
Heaven just a lie
Falling from my eyes
Are the tears I’ve cried

Went to my head
Leaving all I’ve known behind
But just spend a day there
To feel the stench and the grind.

Baby said, ‘I wanna fly’
I said I’d bring you wings
She said she wants to hide
From my hopes and my dreams

But you don’t know the boy
You don’t know the man
You only love the poet,
With scars on his hands...

Yes I know I am like you
But maybe I am not
These streets I walk, silence is mocking me
But silence is all I’ve got

Only I know how I’ve lost
Burned my dreams in the rain
If I knew what u meant to me from before
I’d get up and do it again

And you don’t love the boy
And you don’t like the man
You only love the poet,
With scars on his hands…

Home

I got a little shoebox with my memories in
I have some scotch to drown my sins
My regret runs along with me the day I’m alone
Blood, sweat and tears – I call this home.

I’ve an old guitar and it sounds all right
I write songs to her name and I sing them all night.
Tins on the floor, damn pipes have sprung a leak
The silence is mocking me but no one speaks.

I got a black book with my poems in
Do you need some protection…the thin of the skin?
Across the hallway, the light is shown
Black, white and gray – I call this my home.

I got old dolls with broken heads – they might upset a child
Two is an odd number, but I’ll try to reconcile.
I got a room full of photographs, box full of letters
The things that didn’t last are the things that don’t matter.

I got the wrong calendar for the right year
Got a tattered piece of junk that could pass as a phone.
I had a pair of really good-lookin’ black boots,
But now they’re gone.

I’m fading away into reality, the oblivion of time
Some words in my life still don’t rhyme.
Sometimes I want to scream, fill the hall with my moans
Too much freedom – I call this my home.

- dedicated to the homeless

Wings

When dreams are forgotten
And eyes long to lust.
I can say I’ve come a long way
Down this road of golden dust.

I know I’m wrong
I never know when I’m right
Just a stranger, a hitchhiker
Looking for a ride.

Look at me through the eyes of a stranger
All you’ll see would be pain.
Come out, come on down - no use in hiding,
Let me settle in.

They come and preach me,
Tell me to be sober.
I gaze with my hollow eyes,
It’s not over.

There was a day,
There was a time
When I ripped my wings
Off of my spine.

But now every time I look,
Deep in your eyes,
I feel like I’m reborn,
I pretend I can fly…

Shadow

Sinking in the field,
Dying in the darkness,
Consumed by time’s tide,
Sinks a lonely sun.

But fear not, oh my friend,
Tomorrow it shall shine again.
For the day is yet
To come…

Be

Nothing could compare
To the moment I open up my gaze.
Only to find you there
And I’m lost in your smile
Can you help me be,
The way I was before?
I need to feel alive.
To see the world changed
I made a deal with the devil
And lost my name.
I lost my self,
And I lost my soul.
I lost my baby,
Wish I had it all…
The future is bright
But I hope, that future’s not burning.
And I let the past be
The way it was, insignificant.
You can’t light it up,
For all I know.

Brother

Learning to accept the change,
Until you don’t look inside
You just don’t know
How you’ve been the same.

I’m walking this road brother
Can you see me now?
Something is different,
Everything tastes bitter and sour.

The little that you have,
Makes you want to have more.
Like being marooned on an island,
And you can’t find the shore.

Bad times, we’ve been wrong,
And for every broken heart,
There is a song.

I’m learning to fly
You taught me how to say goodbye
And as I look over to yesterday,
I can go back to being me.

And as all the losses are restored,
Now we can lead our lives.

- Dedicated to my bro, Amon

Birdsong

I run, chasing shadows
In your empty corridors,
Transcending off into the light.
And they say I’m okay
But I seem a little lonely
As I sing for you tonight…

You’re someone who doesn’t belong here
Maybe you should choose
A road for yourself, now.
But if you seem lost, love
Remember, I am your eternal guide.

So come on, pick up that razor
Shed your skin at last.
Know for sure, that here,
Everything is slow,
But time goes by fast.

I run chasing dreams
In your empty halls.
And I find you in my sight
Even if it may cost my soul,
I’ll sing free for you, tonight.

Revelations

I’m a man on the ledge
I got nowhere to turn.
All the ropes and knots,
And second thoughts live in isolation.

Puddles on the floor, know you’ve come
Salt in the wound, know you don’t care
Don’t try to find me in empty halls,
I’m already here.

How can you not know what you’ve done?
You were wrong all the time.
With time on your side,
You made me lose mine.

Something you just can’t change,
We’ve grown up orphans, again
With a cross and a song,
I’ll carry your memories with me.

Let the wind carry me away,
With the leaves, I’ll dry up and blow.
I’ll find the answer in my own sadness,

One day, we all must go.

Wishlist

When all of your wishes are granted, some of your dreams will be destroyed…when none of your wishes are granted, all of your dreams will be destroyed…

Bring me scissors; I’ll cut my tongue
I don’t wanna fly no more.
Bring me mirrors; I’ll forget everything,
Of after and before.

Bring me razors,
Sweet diamonds in my fire.
I’ll retire with my dreams,
And a life uninspired.

Redemption is right where I fell,
Salvation might just be another hell.
And forgiveness, it takes its toll,
I am a broken man, searching for gold.

Towns in my window,
Ghosts of yesterday.
A life that’s unfolding
Like a travesty that fades away.

The poet needs a muse,
The boy needs a hand.
The child needs something to hold on to,
When he becomes a man.

Bring me fire; I’ll burn my dreams
My eyes are open wide.
Bring me desires; I don’t need anything
Now I’ll choose to hide.

So bring me your love
Ask me your name.
Here you don’t belong,
And I don’t play these games.

Redemption is stories to tell
Salvation is right where you fell.
Emptiness, I feel it all,
Lights go down and I’m two feet small.

And I’m falling down,
Arms outstretched, to meet the open sea.
Oh, I’m burning out on this road,
I’d like to take you with me.

I wish and I wish, to be true,
Am I so wrong that I need you?

I need you like the poet needs his muse,
Like a child needs a hand.
Like who boy who wants someone to love,
When the boy becomes a man.
-------------------------------------

…and the only thing that hurts, is that at the end of the day, words don’t mean a thing.